Return of the Whirlpool
by Bluejay Blaze
Summary: When Uzushiogakure was invaded, more than just the Uzumakis lost their homes. A survivor from another clan has shown up in Konoha. He wants to take Naruto away to rebuild the home of their ancestors, but there's one thing getting in his way: the last Uchiha. Not that Sasuke's even sure whether he has a right to stop this, or why he wants to.
1. Incoming Tornado

**A/N: So, this story is gonna start off a little AU, and end up getting more AU as time goes on. And since I've had a little issue this way with stories in other fandoms, I'll warn you right now: this story will develop into either SasuNaru, Naru x male OC, or some combination thereof. If you don't like romance in general or same-sex romance in particular, you may not wish to follow this story. However, I'm incapable of writing anything explicit, so rest assured that aspect will remain PG-13. Violence, on the other hand... I'm not sure yet. Graphic fight scenes are my specialty.**

Sasuke was always the first to the training grounds. It was a fact of life, like how the sky was blue, or Naruto was orange. So when he was waiting for his team a week after returning from the Land of Waves, he certainly wasn't expecting anyone else to be around. After all, as far as he knew, Team Seven were the only ones to use the third training ground. So Sasuke was very surprised when he felt a strange pulse of chakra behind a nearby tree.

Drawing a kunai, the young Uchiha slipped around the trunk. He was met with the sight of a boy he'd never seen before, a few years older than himself. His clothes, all in shades of blue and yellow, were of a style similar to what ANBU wore, and his hitai-ate was worn as a headband like Sakura's. The symbol, a spiral, was one Sasuke had never seen before, though it looked very familiar.

"Who are you?" Sasuke demanded, pressing his blade to the back of the intruder's neck.

Two hands were raised from within the blue cloak. "I ain't here to hurt cha. I'm lookin for someone." The stranger had an odd accent.

"I don't believe you. Get up; we're going to the Hokage's office."

The strange teen stood with a chuckle. He was a head taller than Sasuke, and when his spiked hair finally caught the light, it shone a dull violet. Orage eyes gleamed beneath shaggy bangs; Sasuke suppressed a shudder. Those eyes were unusually wide and piercing, like the teen was looking into his soul. The closest Sasuke could think of was the gaze of ANBU Cat.

"Name's Chusei." The stranger shrugged. "Alrighty, I'm comin. Maybe yer Hokage can help me find who I'm lookin for. Lead on Ducky."

A hand came down to ruffle Sasuke's hair. He glared and considered cutting the offending limb off, but this older shinobi was being cooperative, if annoying. It wouldn't do to start an unnecessary fight.

"It's Sasuke," the Konoha genin informed the stranger. His only answer was a broad smile that somehow managed to be a grin without showing any teeth.

"Aw, but cha look like a li'l Ducky with yer hair all like that."

"You shouldn't talk," Sasuke grumbled "Your hair looks like you took mine and my sensei's and blended them together."

Most of the walk to the Hokage's tower went quickly after that. There was only one incident. As they were passing through a relatively narrow alley Sasuke, too focused on his prisoner, tripped over a trap line. This set off a series of catapults that fired rotten melons at the pair. Sasuke instinctively covered his head, silently promising painful vengeance on Naruto and Konohamaru.

But not a single melon hit him. Looking around, Sasuke saw slices of mushed fruit scattered across the ground. Chusei was wiping the blade of a kodachi clean on the edge of his cloak. The Uchiha frowned.

"You could probably get away right now, couldn't you?"

"Prob'ly," Chusei agreed. "But where'sa fun in that? 'Sides, I don't know where people are at, so I may's well go see yer Hokage person."

Strangely enough, that put Sasuke at ease. He was pretty certain nobody with ill intentions would let themselves be taken to the Hokage by a genin, not even the rookie of the year.

.L.I.N.E.B.R.E.A.K.

They were lucky; the Hokage wasn't busy when they got to the tower. The young pair was ushered inside. Grey eyebrows rose on the other side of the desk, but somehow, Sasuke felt he was the one who was most surprised.

"Is that an Uzushiogakure headband? Where did you get it boy?"

"Heya, Hokage-sama. Yep, sure is. My Pops gave it to me when I started trainin. Chusei Tatsumaki at yer service." Chusei gave an informal bow. It made Sasuke want to kick him for some reason. Maybe because the older boy's attitude reminded him of a certain dobe.

"So your father was from Uzushiogakure before it fell? I didn't think any of their shinobi survived."

"Nah, Pops grew up on the road. Gramps was the village boy. Anywho, I'm lookin for someone, Hokage-sama, and I'd be much obliged if cha could tell me where he is."

The Hokage meshed his fingers under his chin, looking thoughtful. "Well, that would depend on who it is."

"Uzumaki." That single word made Sasuke's blood run cold. And clearly he wasn't the only one. The Hokage looked like he'd just been hit with a C-rank raiton jutsu, and Chusei was scratching nervously at a seal tattooed on his left shoulder. The foreigner's face was red.

The Hokage recovered quickly. "I see. And why do you need young Naruto? I wasn't under the impression he knew anything of his heritage." The look on the old man's face promised Hell to pay, though Sasuke couldn't say why.

Chusei frowned. "Well that's gotta change. Dammit, cha're tellin me I've finally found Uzumaki-sama, and he doesn't even know who he is?"

That was too much for Sasuke. "What? Uzumaki-sama? That blond dobe?"

His outburst made Chusei frown. "Don't cha insult Uzumaki-sama Ducky, not around me. I said my name was Tatsumaki, didn't I?"

Sasuke nodded, his face still creased in Uchiha frown #22: unamused disbelief. He had no clue what the significance of Chusei's family name could be. Apparently though, the Hokage did.

"You mean a real...? Oh my. That does change some things."

"What?" Sasuke demanded. "What does his name have to do with anything?"

Orange eyes shifted from frown to glare, and it was directed at Sasuke. Like with ANBU Cat, it felt like blades of creepy digging into the soul. Sasuke flinched.

"Cha can prob'ly guess that _Uzu_maki were a pretty big clan in _Uzu_shio, yeah?" Sasuke nodded, and Chusei continued. "Well, my clan grew up right alongside. We're s'posed to protect and serve the Uzumakis; we're bred for it, by now. But since Uzushio fell, Gramps and Pops thought there weren't no Uzumaki's left. Still trained me like usual though, last Tatsumaki and all. Then a few days ago on Wave, we're hearin about this blond punk callin himself Uzumaki, and Pops sends me out to check if he's real or not. Cha get it now?"

Sasuke shook his head. The Hokage sighed. "It's hard to explain to the young ones, Chusei. Only Uzushiogakure had such a tradition, with the intertwined Uzumaki and Tatsumaki clans. He has nothing to compare it to."

Inspiration seeped into Sasuke's head. "Wait... Is it like the main and branch families in the Hyuuga clan?"

That earned him a shake of the head from the Hokage, and another soul-cutting glare from Chusei. Sasuke wondered if this was how Naruto felt whenever he asked his stupid questions. If so, he resolved not to be as harsh on the blond. This feeling of wanting to crawl under a rug and choke on his own ignorance wasn't very fun.

"If cha're suggestin I'm like one of them branch Hyuugas," Chusei said slowly, "I'll do to cha what I did to them melons on the way here." One hand inched towards his kodachi.

"Enough!" The Hokage's voice froze the very air. "He's saying no such thing; he just doesn't understand. Sasuke, please take our guest to meet Naruto and the rest of your team. And both of you, try not to harm each other. I have more than enough paperwork as it is."

Grumbling and shooting each other dirty looks, the two young ninja's obliged. Sasuke tried to gauge Chusei's strength as they walked back to Training Ground Three. "So, what rank are you? Genin? Chunin?" Sasuke was pretty sure someone who looked to be about fifteen wouldn't be higher than that. Well, not except _that man_.

"Dunno. I weren't raised in a village. Gramps were Jonin Commander of Uzushio, but I don't know if he taught Pops everythin he knew, or if Pops taught me everythin _he_ knew. I know lotsa techniques for sure, but nothin higher than a B-rank, and only one or two of those. You?"

"Genin," Sasuke tried to appear more friendly, shifting to glare #7: I don't know what to think of you. On one hand, he was jealous that this other boy knew some high level techniques. On the other, he wasn't sure the idea of being bred and raised to serve a specific other clan was at all appealing. Especially for someone who was stuck with _Naruto_ as their last master. He almost felt pity for Chusei.

.L.I.N.E.B.R.E.A.K.

The pair made it to the training grounds after Naruto and Sakura, but still long before Kakashi. Chusei was immediately the center of attention. Sakura appeared to be having trouble deciding who to fawn over; it seemed that Chusei looked similar enough to Sasuke that he counted as "her type." It was probably something about the hair. Meanwhile, Naruto's reaction was to make a half dozen kage bunshins and examine the newcomer literally from every angle.

"Heya Pinky! Uzumaki-sama!" Sasuke was relieved to see that, no matter what he said about serving and protecting, Chusei retained his annoying lack of respect in Naruto's presence. His words caused those members of Team Seven not acquainted with him to freeze, however.

"U-Uzumaki'sama?" Sakura questioned. Chusei gave one of his flat, closed grins. Naruto suddenly found himself subject to a surprisingly brutal noogie, courtesy of the strange Uzushio nin.

"Yep. This kid's family and mine go way back. If our village weren't all destroyed we'da been raised together like brothers. My clan's born to work with Uzumakis... Mostly to protect them. They can be as durable as they like, but they ain't the smarted nin in the village, no matter how many of 'em made Uzukage."

Chusei dropped Naruto and adopted a theatrical thinking pose. "Actually, that'd be a bad thing, eh? Went though seven Uzukages, but it looks like cha've only had four Hokages. Maybe five Uzumakis in a row were a bad idea."

That made Sasuke snicker and Naruto yelp indignantly. There was, however, a twinkle in the blond's eyes. Chusei appeared to have said some sort of magic word.

"Wait... You're my brother?"

"Nah, not really. Woulda been raised like it though. Name's Chusei Tatsumaki, and since cha're the only Uzumaki around, it's my job to look after cha. So c'mon Uzumaki-sama, let's go!"

"Go where, hm?" The new voice came from a nearby tree, where Kakashi had appeared from nowhere. For once the jonin wasn't reading. Instead he eyed Chusei with what could only be called disinterested caution.

The Uzushio nin had a far more violent reaction. Shoving Naruto behind himself, he flashed a set of rapid hand signs. Seconds later, a swirling column of wind whipped up.

"Dai Tatsumaki no Jutsu!" The tornado rolled away towards Kakashi, momentarily blocking Sasuke's view of their sensei. When the air cleared, the tree Kakashi had been sitting in was bare of leaves, and an innocent log had been ripped to shreds. Kakashi stood behind Sakura, perfectly unharmed.

"Maa, maa, I'm not here to fight. I just want to know where you think you're taking my student."

"Uzushiogakure of course." Sasuke hadn't known it was possible for that strange, country-bumpkin accent to sound so prim and offended. "Now as we have an Uzumaki and a Tatsumaki, we can rebuild."

"It takes more than two people to make a village," Sakura pointed out, immediately turning red. Sasuke flinched in sympathy as she was subjected to one of Chusei's sould-cutting glares.

"We can find more cha know. I ain't dumb, though Uzumaki-sama may be a few noodles short of a bowl."

For possibly the first time Sasuke could remember, Naruto ignored the insult to his intelligence. Instead, the blond looked conflicted. Sasuke was surprised by this; knowing Naruto, he was expecting some shouted declaration about how Konoha was his home and he was going to be Hokage some day, believe it! But there was nothing for several long minutes.

"Can I think about it?" the blond whispered eventually, shocking his teammates. Chusei just smiled.

"Sure thing Uzumaki-sama. Take as long as cha need; I'll be right here."

"Stop calling me that." Everyone got another shock, as the boy who constantly yelled about getting respect and being Hokage shook his head at the (mockingly) respectful title. Chusei just smiled- a rather nice smile, when it wasn't one of his strange closed grins.

"Alright. What cha wanna be called?"

"Just Naruto's fine." Then the blond looked up with sparkling eyes. His toes dug nervously at the ground. "And, um, can I call you Nii-san?"

Sasuke snickered as, once more, Naruto found himself trapped in a massive noogie. "Eh, cha're a cute sucker, Naru. But nah, it's best cha don't call me cher brother. Chusei's best, or Chu if cha wanna."

Old memories flashed across Sasuke's mind. His heart rate flew up, and he was momentarily tempted to rip Naruto away from Chusei and protect him... But from what? The Uzushio nin was nothing like Itachi. Noogies weren't forehead pokes, that Whirlpool drawl was different from an Uchiha's cultured accent, and if Chusei meant to kill anyone, he would've done so by now. Sasuke took a few deep breaths to calm himself down.

"So I guess I'll be stayin with cha while we're here." It was amazing how Chusei managed to bull through topics without Naruto protesting. Did his clan have a Kekkei Genkai that could make Uzumaki's shut up? Or was the older boy actually able to out-talk Naruto? "But I'll pay cha rent and all, so don't worry. Cha don't mind if all I can cook's ramen and takoyaki, eh? Cause Gramps never taught me anythin else, seein as those're what our clans seem addicted to anyhow."

"You can make ramen?" Naruto's eyes turned into little blue stars. Sasuke wasn't sure if this was more or less creepy than Chusei's orange glare. "Show me?"

"Course Naru. Tonight. I'm guessin from the steam comin out his ears that cher sensei wants to get trainin cha now." The Uzushio nin made to leave, but was stopped by Kakashi.

"Please, Chusei-san, don't feel you have to leave. I think we're all interested to see what a shinobi trained in the tradition of a destroyed village can do."

Knuckles cracked in fingerless blue gloves. "Alrighty then. Thanks for havin me."


	2. Tornado vs Scarecrow vs Green Beasts

Kakashi-sensei and Chusei faced off across the training field, Team 7 watching from the sidelines. Sasuke looked at his teammates, seeing conflict on their faces. Sakura's apparent crush on the Uzushio nin had made her go starry-eyed and worried. Naruto, on the other hand, was silently muttering for "Chu-niisan" to kick his sensei's butt, despite clearly expecting the violet-haired newcomer to lose painfully. Sasuke himself had no such conflict. He wanted to see the foreign shinobi feel a Thousand Years of Death. And no, he wasn't entirely sure why.

Chusei's fighting stance was unfamiliar, and when he lunged towards Kakashi, his hands glowed with elemental chakra. The jounin barely seemed to be paying attention, in the process of pulling his book out. That changed quickly. A water-charged open palm technique slammed into the cover, drenching binding and paper alike. Even from his perch in a tree, Sasuke saw ink start to run.

Killing intent flooded the training field. Kakashi dropped his book with a stunned, wet smack. All three genin gasped.

"He _didn't_!"

The slanted headband came up. A single sharingan whirled, promising murder. But Chusei seemed unfased. Indeed, the Uzushio nin was beaming, looking like Naruto right after painting the Hokage monument. Two sets of hands flashed through chains of signals.

"Katon: Gyoukaku no Jutsu!"

"Suiton: Suiseidan no Jutsu!"

A cone of water swallowed Kakashi's fireball, momentarily obscuring the jounin from sight. When it collapsed, a soaked log sat where Kakashi had been. Chusei, still smiling, appeared unworried. More hand signs flashed.

"I hope cha know, I've learned a bit that ain't from me family too. Cha can't hide from me Scarecrow. Touton no Jutsu!"

Instantly, Chusei faded away. All that was visible were his striking orange eyes. Of course, that was more than enough for Kakashi, who rose from the earth in an attempt to pull the foreigner down. Right before Kakashi grabbed his ankle, Chusei let out a bark of laughter.

"Tatsumaki Kekkei Genkai: Chuseigan- Hiraishin Ketsugo!"

Orange light flashed. Kakashi-sensei was left in the center of the training field, looking stunned. It took a moment for Sasuke to locate Chusei. Then he saw the older boy in the tree next to him, standing next to Naruto on a branch. The dobe looked up at his self-appointed guardian in awe. Chusei, on the other hand, looked rather ill.

"Oops," the Uzushio nin groaned, "I shouldna done that." He promptly lost his grip on the tree and fell head first to the ground. Kakashi was on him instantly.

"What the Hell was that?" Sasuke had never seen his sensei so scared. Were those tears?

Chusei smiled tiredly. "Highest form of me clan's bloodline. Let's me flash to me bond partner. O'course, most can't use it til they've been together for years." Orange eyes flickered shut with a groan.

Naruto, predictably, panicked. Jumping to the ground, the blond looked at their teacher with imploring eyes. "Kakashi-sensei! What's wrong with Chu-niisan?"

"Chakra exhaustion," Kakashi answered bluntly. "He tried a technique beyond his level and is paying the price." Then, muttering about teenagers who didn't understand fine literature, the jounin went off to dry his beloved book.

Inside, Sasuke found himself seething. Not only was this newcomer good with a sword and elemental ninjutsu, he _also_ had a kekkei genkai! One that allowed him to teleport to Naruto's side. The Uchiha had to admit, this Chuseigan thing would make for awesome team tactics. Although a faint pang of pity welled up in him as well. Not only was Chusei bound to serve _Naruto_ of all people, his parents were lame enough to name him after his ability. It was like calling an Uchiha Sharin. Sasuke would've died of embarrassment if his mother had been that weird.

.L.I.N.E.B.R.E.A.K.

For the next half hour Team 7 sparred. Sakura had suggested taking Chusei to the hospital, but was shot down by a history lecture from their sensei. Apparently, all Uzushio nin were chakra tanks with phenomenal healing abilities. The only person who needed a hospital less than Chusei at the moment was Naruto.

Still, a strange, sadistic part of Sasuke he'd thought reserved for Itachi made itself known. The Uchiha found himself constantly tempted to use Chusei as a target dummy for his kunai. The only reason he didn't was that it would make Naruto angry. Normally Sasuke enjoyed antagonizing the dobe, but this was different. So he left the annoying foreigner to his unconsciousness.

Otheres weren't so considerate. After throwing Naruto into a tree, Sasuke froze as he felt the ground shake. Something was- no, two somethings were approaching very fast. Two very green, very loud somethings that kicked up dust as they shouted inhuman encouragement to each other.

"YOSH! WE'RE ALMOST THERE MY YOUTHFUL APPRENTICE!"

"HAI SENSEI! YOUR IDEA TO GROW OUR FLAMES OF YOUTH WITH AN AFTERNOON RUN WAS MOST SPLENDID!"

Kakashi-sensei paled. It was, however, too late to move his team like he usually did when- well, not that Sasuke thought about it, whenever a dust cloud appeared on the horizon. The Uchiha was soon to meet the cause of his teacher's panic. Two muscular shaped clad in green spandex and orange leg warmers skidded to a halt in front of Team 7. Kakashi groaned and muttered something only Sasuke heard.

"Stupid Uzu-gaki, messing up my schedule."

"KAKASHI!" The larger green thing slapped the copy nin heartily on the back. "I'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR YOU FOR OVER A MONTH! iT'S VERY UN-YOUTHFUL OF YOU TO KEEP AVOIDING OUR CHALLENGES!"

Looking somehow both cool and sheepish, the copy nin edged away. "Sorry, did you say something? I've been too busy training my genin to pay attention."

_Yeah right,_ Sasuke thought, _More like too busy reading questionable literature._ Then his thoughts were drowned out by a voice too loud to be human.

"THESE ARE YOUR MOST YOUTHFUL APPRENTICES? MY ETERNAL RIVAL, THEY ARE WONDERFULLY ADORABLE! ONLY MY SPLENDID LEE CAN OUTMATCH THEIR CUTENESS!"

Kakashi coughed into his fist. "Yes, well, we're rather busy, so if you and your apprentice would go climb a mountain or something, I'd appreciate it."

"BUT MY ETERNAL RIVAL! WE MUST TRAIN OUR ADORABLE GENIN TOGETHER SO THEIR YOUTH MAY FLOWER ALL THE MORE BRIGHTLY! I SHALL FETCH TENTEN AND NEJI!"

The green thing looked like it was about to take off when it was interrupted by a snarl from the ground. Chusei was awake and, judging by his soul-cutting glare, not happy about it. Hands snapped with an angry sharpness Sasuke had last seen from his father.

"Suiton: Mizu no Muchi!"

A whip of water extended from Chusei's hands and held the yelling thing briefly upside down. Of course, the still exhausted Uzushio nin collapsed in seconds, dropping the large green thing on top of the smaller one. Sasuke immediately decided this was infinitely worse. As soon as the two green things came into physical contact, the world around them changed with a swirl of sparkles.

Everyone who was previously in Training Ground Three appeared to have been transported to the top of a cliff. Great waves flashed and foamed below, glittering orange and pink with the light of the setting sun. It was enough to make Sasuke wish he could rip out his eyes. His teammates appeared to have the same reaction. Naruto was frozen and appeared to be in pain, Sakura had burst into tears, and Kakashi-sensei was rubbing his temples begging a deity named "Obito" to "Make it stop, please make it stop."

A few seconds of the gleaming, painful weirdness was even enough to wake Chusei up again. Unlike the others, he seemed mostly unaffected. At least, until he sat up and began yelling.

"What the-? If I find out who's doin this, cher gonna wish cha was in a Bloody Mist genin exam! No one steals Maki bi-clan jutsu combos dammit!" Sasuke assumed the words were supposed to be intimidating. They might've been, had their speaker been capable of standing.

The big green thing leapt off the little one, startled. Both turned their massively round, scary eyes to the Uzushio nin. This time it was the smaller who started shouting. Though, as far as Sasuke was concerned, the two things shared a brain and thus it didn't matter which one spoke.

"YOSH! YOUTHFUL FOREIGN FRIEND, WHAT CAUSES YOU DISTRESS?" The thing assumed a pose that it probably thought was reassuring, but which made Sasuke want to hide his head in a hole. At least the bizarre sunset scene was gone.

Chusei glared weakly (though still strongly enough to make Sasuke shiver; man his eyes were creepy) at the green things. "Bloody crap on a cracker, it's cha two li'l creepers! How in the Nine bloody Hells did cha copy Uzu Nichibotsu Keimusho no Kumiawase?"

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN, YOUTHFUL FRIEND? THE MAGNIFICENT SUNSET IS A SIGN OF THE YOUTH GAI-SENSEI AND I HOLD!"

The big green thing grew teary eyed. " I COULDN'T HAVE SAID IT BETTER LEE!"

"GAI-SENSEI!"

"LEE!"

"GAI-SENSEI!"

"LEE!"

Aaand it was back... Sasuke tried to look anywhere but at the green things as they hugged, but found this to be impossible. Chusei snarled at them.

"Bull! That's a special technique that cha need Chuseigan and Uzumaki chakra to activate. Only Naru and I should be able to do it. Who the bloody Hells are cha?"

"KONOHA'S MAGNIFICENT GREEN BEAST MAITO GAI, AT YOUR SERVICE!"

"ROCK LEE, HERE TO HELP YOUR YOUTH BLOSSOM!"

Chusei seemed to deflate. "Bugger and damnation," he hissed in exasperation. Sasuke was impressed by that hiss. It would've sounded very Uchiha, had it not also contained a hint of fear. "The bloody things actually exist."

That piqued everyone's interest. The sunset illusion disappeared again as the green beings released each other. For a few minutes, awkward silence filled the training yard. Not that any silence, awkward or otherwise, could long survive the presence of Uzumaki Naruto.

"What exists?"

"The lost weapons of Uzushio."

Everyone just stared at him blankly. Kakashi-sensei even seemed to have forgotten he hated Chusei for soaking his book. Seeing their confusion, Chusei sighed.

"Here's how the legend goes: Durin the founding of Uzushio, there was four major clans representin the four values of the village. Uzumaki for creativity, Tatsumaki for loyalty, Maito for energy, and Rock for perseverance. Uzu- and Tatsu- maki was bound together, as was Maito and Rock. But where the Maki clans used jutsu and seals, the others could get the same effects with taijutsu and touch. Eventually, the dojutsu clans of other villages launched a secret assault on the clans of Uzu, wantin to split us so we couldna use our bi-clan combinations anymore. Somethin about hurtin their precious eyes. I'd thought the Maito and Rock clans wiped out over a century ago."

_If only,_ Sasuke thought, eyeing the green things. Of course, one of them started shouting again just at that moment. It made his head hurt.

"DID YOU HEAR THAT GAI-SENSEI? WE HAVE CLANS! CLANS THAT WORKED MOST YOUTHFULLY ALONGSIDE THESE OTHERS TO SUPPORT THE SPLENDID NATION OF UZUSHIO! WHERE IS UZUSHIO SENSEI?"

"ALAS LEE, UZUSHIOGAKURE WAS DESTROYED YEARS AGO BY THE MOST UN-YOUTHFUL ALLIANCE OF KIRI AND IWA. SO WE SHALL NEVER GAT THE CHANCE TO MEET THESE OTHER TWO CLANS OF WHICH OUR MOST YOUTHFUL FRIEND SPEAKS!'

Orange eyes rolled. With what seemed to be a great effort, Chusei pointed to himself. "Last Tatsumaki." Then he pointed to Naruto. "Last Uzumaki, far as I know."

Such identification seemed, to Sasuke, a very dumb move. It led to Chusei and Naruto each being glomped by a green blur. Moreover, the green things appeared to be crying what could only be described as glittering manly tears of joy.

"COUSINS!"

"YOSH! MOST YOUTHFUL TATSUMAKI-SAN AND UZUMAKI-SAN! YOU _MUST_ COME LIVE WITH LEE AND I IN OUR MOST YOUTHFUL ABODE! CREATIVITY, LOYALTY, ENERGY, AND PERSEVERANCE SHALL ONCE MORE BECOME THE PILLARS OF A SPLENDID SHINOBI VILLAGE!"

A blond head struggled to pop out over muscular green arms. "Chu-niisan," Naruto panted, "Does that mean _we_ can do that cliff thing _too_?" His blue eyes sparkled disturbingly.

Chusei chuckled. "Ah, Naru-chan, Uzu Nichibotsu Keimusho no Kumiawase are only the beginnin. But cha'll have to learn some wind and water jutsus afore we can do em together. And seals. Fuinjutsu's a Maki specialty."

Sasuke now knew where his irrational hatred of Chusei came from. Anyone who was related to these green things- who encouraged Naruto to spend time _becoming like them_\- was pure evil. Eviler than Itachi evil. The world didn't need more freaky sunset jutsu. The Uchiha began planning how to separate _his_ blond dobe from these others at the earliest opportunity. Yes, he would hide Naruto away and keep him safe, and once all evil sparkle freaks and family killing brothers were eliminated, the blond would be safe to eat ramen and prank people to his heart's content.

The Uchiha completely ignored the scary possessiveness of his thoughts. He wasn't sure when he'd started thinking of the blond as his. What mattered was that Naruto _was_, even if Sasuke didn't know why. And Uchiha weren't good at sharing.

**Author's note: Have I mentioned that this fic will be probably 50% crack, 25% Uchihas being insane, 15% me torturing Sasuke (and Itachi)'s brother complex, and about 10% actually serious?**

**Yes, Chusei will occasionally seem overpowered. He's actually a modified version of a high level roleplaying game character I use in a ninja D&amp;D campaign. Rest assured, Kakashi would have eventually kicked his ass, especially since he threatened the sacred Icha Icha. Power wise, Chusei's probably on par with a semi-background chunin character like Kotetsu and Izumo. Or at least, intended to be. And if anyone's gonna complain about Tatsumaki Kekkei Genkai: Chuseigan- Hiraishin Ketsugo, I'll explain the Chuseigan right now:**

**-****not**** a dojutsu; it's called Chusei****gan**** because Chusei's eyes changed to match his bond partner's personality (before coming to Konoha and detecting Naruto's chakra, his eyes were a normal dark brown colour)**

**-the ****only**** location Chusei can teleport to is Naruto's side, which takes a tremendous amount of energy**

**-Chusei can always tell if Naruto is in danger, even if Naruto himself is unaware of it; similarly, he can always tell if Naruto is scared, sad, or angry**

**-Chusei cannot knowingly harm Naruto in any way, no matter the circumstance**

**In addition, Naruto+Chusei and Lee+Gai will, over the course of this fic, be creating steadily crackier, more traumatizing combination jutsus, so if the sunset genjutsu (or as Chusei calls it, vortex sunset prison combination) hurts your brain, read with caution.**


	3. Training, Uzushio Style

**A/N: I'm getting really sick of some of the anonymous comments I'm getting, and since they're usually on this chapter for some reason, I'll say this here. This story contains humorous homosexual romance. I understand that not everyone likes that, especially within the context of certain pre-established characters. That doesn't give you the right to tell me to go kill myself for writing such. As someone who has struggled with depression in the past, I find these comments both offensive and damaging. If you don't like what I'm writing, the back button and the x button will take you out; you don't have to read it. But don't tell me to kill myself for writing something I and some others enjoy.**

Naruto wasn't sure what to expect when he invited Chusei to stay with him. Honestly, he was too eager too be accepted by his supposed "older brother figure" to care. But the look the older boy gave his apartment made Naruto look away in shame.

"Naru-chan, cha live _here_?" Chusei's voice as he set foot inside the tiny, run-down set of rooms was as cold and cutting as his eyes. Naruto wanted to hide behind his pot plants, but he refused and stood proud. It wasn't _his_ fault most villagers wouldn't rent or sell anything decent to him.

"Yeah. Since I was six, 'ttebayo."

"_Really_?" Oh, Naruto would hate to be the one on the receiving end of that look. Why was Chusei stroking a kunai as if it were a pet cat? And (probably more important) why was said kunai vibrating with watery chakra?

Chusei took a deep breath, probably to calm down, and walked over to Naruto's kitchen corner. His anger instantly spiked again, making Naruto flinch.

"Cup ramen and spoiled milk? Really, Naru-chan?" When Naruto nodded, Chusei's eyes flashed. The orange looked like liquid fire as the Uzushio nin dumped Naruto's milk down the sink. "Alright then, I'll be back in a few. Sit tight midget."

Torn between defending himself (He wasn't that short!) and his insecurity with new relationships, Naruto chose the second. "Where're you going Chu-niisan?"

"Shoppin." The older boy's voice came out as a low growl. "Them damned idiots won't think to hold out on _me_."

"But..." Naruto stared at his feet. "You're with me. _Of course_ they won't sell you anything good 'ttebayo!"

"And why'd that be, eh?"

"Because I'm," Here Naruto took a deep breath. He'd hoped not to have to reveal this to anyone yet (Sasuke and Sakura sure as Hell didn't know), but if they were going to live together, he had to tell Chusei. Not that Naruto wanted to alienate the boy so soon, but... "I'm the Kyuubi."

"Bloody nonsense!" Chusei replied cheerfully as he wrote a grocery list. Naruto shook his head.

"No, it's true. When it attacked, the Yondaime sealed the Kyuubi into a baby and-"

"That baby were you?" The Uzushio nin barely looked up from his list. "Okay. So, cha want seafood or chicken ramen tonight?"

Naruto froze. "You- you don't care that the Kyuubi's sealed inside me?"

"_Inside_ cha don't make cha the fox." Chusei rolled his eyes. The seal on his shoulder glowed blue as he channeled chakra to it, then popped out a massive scroll covered in strange symbols. "See? I had that sealed in me, but I ain't no scroll."

Tears of joy welled up in Naruto's eyes. He ran over to Chusei and hugged him. "You're the best Chu-niisan! Almost no one else thinks that way, 'ttebayo. Just Iruka-sensei mostly."

Fingers carded through Naruto's hair. "Well then, this Iruka fellow sounds like the smartest, most awesome guy in cher village."

L.I.N.E.B.R.E.A.K.

Naruto awoke at an ungodly hour of the morning to the sound of thunderous hammering on his door. He quickly checked to make sure Chusei hadn't somehow got locked out, but the older boy was still sprawled across the couch. Actually, scratch that, he was shoving his head under one of the couch cushions and yelling sleepy obscenities at whoever was disturbing his slumber. Not a morning person.

Groaning, Naruto opened the door. He was met by two blinding smiles wearing green jumpsuits. "Huh? Lee? Gai-sensei? What time is it?"

"FIVE IN THE MORNING, MY MOST YOUTHFUL COUSIN!" Gai bellowed joyously. "CLOTHE YOURSELF AND HELP US ROUSE OUR SLIGHTLY LESS YOUTHFUL COUSIN SO WE MAY TRAIN TOGETHER IN THE GLORY OF THE SPRING MORNING!"

"I'm up!" Chusei snarled. Naruto had never seen someone look so intimidating wearing pyjamas before. Of course, that might be partially the lack of cute sleeping cap. And the fact that Chusei slept in just boxers, which allowed a significant amount of scarring to show on his torso and lower legs. Naruto didn't have the courage to ask what had made the raised white knots. Lee had no such inhibitions.

"COUSIN CHUSEI! WHAT MOST UNYOUTHFUL INJURY LEFT YOU SO DISFIGURED?" Naruto thought that was a little harsh. Chusei didn't look bad when clothed as the scars reached neither his face nor his arms, and though they looked painful, the scars didn't seem to affect his movement.

"Got hit by lightnin when I were a toddler. So, cha have ten seconds to explain why cha want me outta bed afore the ass crack of dawn or I'm goin back to bed, then stabbin cha later."

"BECAUSE MORNING IS THE MOST YOUTHFUL TIME TO TRAIN!" Gai proclaimed exuberantly, "AND SINCE WE FOUR ARE THE LAST OF THE PILLARS OF UZUSHIO, WE MUST TAKE EVERY OPPORTUNITY TO BECOME THE MOST SPLENDID OF NINJA!"

"Fine," Chusei snapped. Naruto averted his eyes as the Uzushio nin got dressed without caring who saw. He'd learned last night that Chusei had no concept of modesty. "Cha can be in charge for taijutsu, then I'll teach ninjutsu and fuinjutsu."

"Why no genjutsu?" Naruto asked. Chusei laughed.

"Cos all four main Uzu clans suck at it. Ain't no point."

The four ran out and began doing laps around Konoha. Gai told them that since Naruto and Chusei weren't used to this kind of training, he was starting them off easy. Only 200 laps and 100 each of push-ups, sit-ups, squats, and burpees before they worked kata and sparred. Needless to say, this all took several hours.

Naruto and Chusei were panting, red, and slick with sweat long before they were through. Both recovered fairly quickly after flopping down on the ground, Naruto about three times faster than Chusei. Eventually the older boy got his breath back enough to speak.

"Alright. So, ninjutsu... Gai-sensei, cha prob'ly know a fair bit already and don't really need me, taijutsu specialist or no."

"YOSH!"

"And Lee, as a member o'the Rock clan, can't use chakra except durin family combo techniques where he's actually usin sensei's, so jutsu stuff's mostly for Naru-chan. Though the Rock clan did seem to have some pretty weird abilities o'their own if Gramps's to be believed. Cha might want to look into that."

Chusei unsealed the giant scroll from his shoulder, then unsealed more scrolls from that. When chakra was running through it, the odd symbols rearranged to say _The History of Uzushiogakure_. One scroll, which Chusei tossed to Lee, was titled _Life with the Rock Clan and Why They're the Worst Nightmare of Medics and Physicists_. Lee began reading enthusiastically. Then Chusei turned to Naruto.

"Now, Naru-chan, what cha wanna work on first? Ninjutsu or fuinjutsu?"

"Cool ninjutsus 'ttebayo!"Naruto gushed. "Show me how to do that tornado thing youtried to hit Kakashi-sensei with!"

"Sorry, not yet. Cha gotta learn some basics afore cha get to _Dai Tatsumaki no Jutsu_. We're gonna start with _Mizurappa no Jutsu_. Oh, and Naruto," The change in Chusei's tone made Naruto's heart leap with dread, "I believe in learning on the job."

L.I.N.E.B.R.E.A.K.

By the time Naruto met up with the rest of Team Seven, he was soaked to the bone and battered black and blue. After showing him how to do the jutsu, Chusei had proceeded to engage him in a _Mizurappa_ only spar. They'd stopped only when Naruto could not only produce the trumpet shaped blast of water, but was fast and accurate enough to block Chusei's technique with his own. According to the older boy, this was a standard Uzushiogakure teaching method.

Sasuke looked up as Naruto arrived. The blond thought he saw a hint of a frown cross his rival's face. "What happened to you dobe?"

Groaning, Naruto flopped on the ground. He didn't even have the energy to fight with Sasuke. "I went through the first stage of the training of youth, then Chu-niisan beat the stuffing outta me until I could do this dumb water jutsu." Okay, maybe _Mizurappa_ wasn't dumb, but Naruto wasn't in the mood to be truthful about that at the moment.

Angry chakra burst briefly across the training ground, so strong it even startled Sakura. Sasuke's eyes spun red. "That foreign idiot did _what_? Where is he?"

Naruto met the sharingan glare with one of his own. "Chu-niisan's not an idiot! He's ten times smarter than you Sasuke-teme! And he didn't come because he's planning more lessons for me. I'm gonna be the best ninjutsu and fuinjutsu student ever 'ttebayo!"

_Thump_. Kakashi-sensei fell out of a tree. When he scrambled to his feet, the jounin's visible eye was wide with surprised anger and... sadness? His voice, however, barely shook from its monotone calm. "What? But Naruto, I'm your sensei. If you wanted to learn more techniques, why didn't you ask me?"

"Cos you never actually teach us anything Kakashi-sensei. Well, except tree climbing. All you do is send us on dumb D-ranks until we annoy you so much you _have_ to give us something better 'ttebayo." Naruto tried to copy Chusei's disappointed stare from the evening before. At first he wasn't sure it was working, but then Kakashi-sensei started to tremble.

That caused a passing ANBU to fall to the ground in surprise. The masked figure recovered quickly and paused to wave his hand in front of Kakashi's face. "Oi, Hatake, what's the matter?"

Kakashi pointed at Naruto. The ANBU saw the blond's stare go from disappointment to confusion and started laughing. "No wonder you avoid them all the time Hatake! He's a total Mini-to."

"Huh?" Naruto was confused. The ANBU took a closer look at him.

"Wait... The pranks, the 'dattebayo,' that _name_... Holy crap, Minato and _Kushina_?"

Kakashi nodded. "You can't tell anyone."

"But, but... It's so obvious! How come no one sees it? Like I said, total Mini-to."

"People are idiots." Kakashi shrugged.

"Does he know?"

"I'm not supposed to tell him until he's skilled enough to fight off anyone who comes after him."

"There's always someone stronger," the ANBU pointed out. "If you're waiting for him to be the best in the world before telling him who his father is, poor kid will never know." He leapt away before Kakashi could answer.

The copy-nin shrugged. "He's got a point, I guess. Okay team, for today's training, I want you to put together your information gathering skills and by lunch time, tell me who you think Naruto's father is. If you're right I'll treat you, if not, the three of you get to buy takoyaki to the bottomless pit I heard whining about high metabolisms and the training of youth."

"Oh!" Naruto cheered up immediately, "So that's where Chu-niisan went. He did say training had made him hungry." Come to think of it, Naruto was pretty hungry himself. About thirty bowls of ramen sounded good. And all he had to do was make sure his team figured out who his father was before noon. For once ignoring their protests and violence, he grabbed his teammates and dragged them to the library. Kakashi-sensei followed behind, reading his book as usual.

As missions went, it was anti-climactic. Naruto, Sakura, and Sasuke each had a different book open, searching the records of ninjas who'd died fighting the Kyuubi. After about fifteen minutes, Sakura let out a small gasp. She stared from the book to Naruto, then to the Hokage monument. Finally, she looked to Kakashi.

"Sensei, why didn't you tell us that you're Naruto no baka's adoptive brother? And his father's the Yondaime?"

Naruto froze. He was so shocked he almost didn't hear Kakashi's sheepish chuckle.

"Honestly, it should've been obvious. Everyone knows Minato-sensei adopted me after my father... passed on, and Naruto looks so much like his dad." Kakashi shook his head. "I've had to spend an extra hour at the memorial rock every day just to remind myself he's not Minato."

Sasuke growled. "But he's the dobe! The Yondaime was a genius!"

"I learned _Kage Bunshin no Jutsu_ in a couple hours with no one to teach me!" Naruto defended. No one listened to him. And really, he was pretty sure he was the only one who'd heard Sasuke anyway. Kakashi-sensei was too busy smiling.

"But I guess now that you know, I'm free to do... this!" Kakashi scooped Naruto up and cuddled him like he was a giant teddy bear. His voice remained calm and neutral even while snuggling his face contentedly in the blond's fluffy hair. "So, as a reward, we'll go to whatever restaurant Sakura wants, since she's the one who figured it out. Then I'll teach you all something special."

"A new jutsu?" Naruto choked out hopefully, unable to escape his sensei/brother's death hug. Kakashi shook his head.

"Not exactly. I'll be showing you how to walk on water."

Okay, that sounded pretty cool. Naruto resigned himself to the manhandling as Team Seven headed out. Actually, the hug was kind of nice. Now if only Sasuke would stop sharin-glaring holes in the back of Kakashi-niisan's head and muttering about how everyone and their dog was suddenly claiming relation to Naruto. The blond kind of hoped he didn't have any Inuzuka relatives. He was more of a cat person. Or was Sasuke referring to Kakashi's dog summons?

**Author's Note: Yes, Chusei's presence screws with normal timelines and in-character-ness. I give absolutely no damns.**


	4. The Greatest Hero

It took a week of early morning training, sparkles, and manly tears for Gai and Lee to convince Naruto and Chusei to move in with them. The moving itself was rather anti-climactic: neither Maki boy had much in the way of possessions. The only thing that marred their half-hour job was Kakashi's resigned grumbling about how Naruto was his little brother and should've been moving in with him.

Since then, Chusei had been at loose ends. While he trained with the others in the morning, as soon as his housemates went off with their teams, he was on his own. At first he'd thought he might join Team 7 for their training and missions, but Sasuke put a quick stop to that idea. Chusei smiled at the memory. The Uchiha may've been a little bastard, but he was hella funny sometimes.

_-flashback no jutsu-_

_Chusei and Naruto were already at training ground three, practicing some basic water and wind jutsu. The older boy was pleased with his bond-mate's progress, while the blond was pleasantly surprised. According to Naruto, no one but Iruka had ever made such an effort with teaching him before, which was part of why he seemed so far behind. He'd been neglected. That, and he had terrible chakra control, but Chusei knew how to work around that._

_Pinkie was the first to arrive. Chusei dutifully ignored her, other than to make sure she didn't distract Naruto. The Uzushio nin neither liked nor disliked the girl (though he did have problems remembering her name; some kind of flower?). He did occasionally find her creepy though. She watched him the same way she watched Sasuke, red-faced and murmuring. Chusei was certain it was his hair. Pinkie seemed to like the duck-butt and spikes style._

_It was when Sasuke arrived that there were problems. The Uchiha froze at the sight of Chusei teaching Naruto, then narrowed his eyes. Red pinwheels flashed. A blue-black blur tackled Naruto into a tree with nary a word of warning._

_"Dobe! Fight me!"_

_Naruto groaned. "Teme, what was that for? Chu-niisan was helping me with a new technique; I almost had it!"_

_Chusei chuckled and, against his natural inclination, tried to calm the others down. "Ma, ma, why don't we show cha what we was doin Sasu-chan? Cha can join in."_

_Well, that rubbed someone the wrong way. Sasuke turned his head to snarl at Chusei, sharingan still spinning, arms wrapped around Naruto in a way that could be either grapple or glomp. It was honestly adorable, like a puppy trying to scared off a full grown nin dog. Of course, it didn't last. Naruto took advantage of Sasuke's distraction to squirm free and return to Chusei's side._

_"Ano, Chu-niisan, don't say that! If Sasuke wants to learn cool techniques, he can damn well find his own mentor!"_

_Sasuke growled. Then, "Fight me."_

_"I already said no Teme!"_

_"Not you. The foreigner."_

_Chusei sighed. "I'd rather not. Cher sensei might get mad at me for beatin cha up."_

_Kakashi chose that moment to appear. "Sorry I'm late, I had to- oh." The jounin looked from Sasuke to Chusei. "Alright then, continue. I can teach my lesson afterwards." He then pulled out popcorn, which he proceeded to share with an excited Naruto and conflicted... Sakura! That was her name!_

_Sasuke made the first move."Katon: Gyokaku no Jutsu!" Chusei countered with Mizudan no Jutsu, not bothering to dodge. The steam momentarily made vision difficult, but Chusei was used to training in the mist of a waterfall. He caught Sasuke's kicking foot as the younger boy tried to take advantage of the cover._

_"Cha're pretty good Sasu-chan, but cha ain't ready to fight me yet. Try again in a year or two." Chusei threw his adversary into a tree. Right before impact, a log appeared in Sasuke's place._

_"I have you," Sasuke smirked. Chusei raised an eyebrow._

_"Do tell."_

_"You can't use wind jutsu because it'll make my fire stronger, and your water jutsu are all mid to close range. If I stay back and attack from a distance, you can't attack." Sasuke accompanied his words with a barrage of shuriken. Chusei blocked each one with his kodachi._

_"Flawed assumption, but nice try." Okay, this Sasuke kid had gone from adorable to annoying. Chusei didn't feel like playing nice anymore. Sheathing his blade, he pulled out fifteen shuriken and a single kunai. When flung they formed a precise pattern, so that it was impossible to dodge every single star without going through the kunai. And of course Sasuke took the bait. Chusei grinned._

_"Fuinjutsu- Ninjutsu no Wana: Mizu no Muchi." When the kunai struck Sasuke, a water whip leapt forth from the seal on the handle, binding the younger ninja. Of course, that particular technique didn't store well and was hard to maintain without touching it, so Chusei continued quickly._

_"Cha seem to think as all I do is wind and water. Not true. I were trained in Uzushio style, so I use seals to control the battlefield. And I'm Tatsumaki, whic means me trainin focused on three elements, not one. We're the storm clan after all."_

_His grin broadened as he saw Sasuke pale. Chusei flashed his hand signs, then placed his palm in a puddle made from his earlier steamy counter- a puddle that connected to his kunai and Mizu no Muchi. "Raiton: Denshindou no Jutsu."_

_The Uzushio nin toned it down as much as he could, so he doubted Sasuke was hurt much at all. It was, however, more than enough to stun the Uchiha. Not that the younger boy would ever submit. No, once able to stand he'd continued to try and keep Chusei away from Naruto, until Kakashi had asked the older boy to ;eave so Team 7 could actually get something done._

_-flashback no jutsu kai-_

Ever since, Chusei had found himself with an abundance of free time between ten in the morning and six in the evening. He spent most of it just randomly wandering Konoha, familiarizing himself with the layout. It wouldn't due to be clueless if he were attacked after all. But damn, he knew where everything was now, and he was bored out of his mind. He considered picking a fight with some random chunin just for something to do.

Hey, Tatsumaki had a better attention span than Uzumaki, but it still wasn't that great.

That particular day found Chusei in the market, sort-of-but-not-really-shopping. He would've actually shopped if he'd known of anyone needing anything, but other than clothes, his housemates were all set. And he didn't relish the idea of trying to get three energetic knuckleheads to part with their respective varied jumpsuits.

Chusei pursued this line of thought, losing track of his surroundings as he imagined convincing Naruto to wear traditional Uzushio blue and yellow. It would look so much better with that sunny hair of his. Bribing him might work- Naruto would do anything for the promise of learning powerful techniques and getting ramen.

He was so lost in thought, he didn't notice several genin rush past on the trail of a massive, dark brown cat. He didn't notice them the third or ninth time they went by either. About half an hour later, as they chased the cat past him for what must've been the thirtieth time, one of the badly scratched, exhausted genin ran right into Chusei. Surprised by the impact, and being much taller and thinner than the one who hit him, the Uzushio nin went down like a tree. Unfortunately, so did the genin.

"Oof!" Chusei gasped as the wind was knocked out of him. The boy who landed on him was stocky and round, with spirals tatooed on his smiling cheeks. The smile was quickly replaced by a look of horror.

"Ah! Sorry!" The boy leapt to his feet and helped Chusei up. "I'm so sorry, I didn't see you, and we were chasing this cat, and-"

"Chouji, it's getting away!" A blonde girl yelled, marching over. She thumped Chouji on the head and grabbed his collar to drag him off. The large boy squirmed in protest.

"Ino! Don't be rude! I just knocked into this guy; I wanna make sure he's alright."

Chusei beamed. "I'm fine. Don't worry about it. Tatsumaki Chusei, at cher service."

"Akimichi Chouji, at yours."

"Dammit Chouji, come _on_!" Ino's efforts at moving her teammate were laughably ineffectual. Chusei chuckled and patted her on the head, earning an angry glare. He half expected her to attack him.

"Where's the fire, eh?"

Ino huffed. "What Chouji seems to have forgotten is that we're on a _mission_. We have to catch that stupid cat, and Shikamaru won't help because cats are 'too troublesome' according to him."

"Why don't I help cha?"

Two sets of eyes blinked slowly at him. Chouji recovered first. "But... You're not on our team. And your headband isn't even from Konoha."

"I'm from Uzushiogakure, or me family is at any rate. Allies of Konoha. And I'm bored."

The Konoha genin looked at each other and had what appeared to be a brief conversation using only the movements of their eyebrows. Chusei noted absently that Lee would be excellent at such language. Then they faced him again and spoke in unison. "Fine."

Needless to say, the cat was quickly captured with a well-placed _Fuki no In_. Chusei then applied a permanent _Shuntori Fuin_ to the cat's skin so that if this mission came up again (and he was assured it would), the genin could just come to him and he would summon the cat for them. Of course, all of this was against the feline's will. Chusei found himself with some rather interesting wounds under his left eye by the end of it. The scratches would surely scar, but he didn't care. Actually, they'd given him an idea for a seal that would be most helpful if tatooed on his face...

L.I.N.E.B.R.E.A.K.

With nothing better to do, Chusei eventually took to hanging around the mission desk. For a while he hired himself out to genin teams looking for help with their missions. The amusement that provided him was great, even if D-ranks were a little beneath his skill level. Like all good things however, the arrangement soon came to an end.

He was confronted by an unassumingly pretty man with a massive facial scar and a gravity defying ponytail. The man sighed as he approached Chusei, as if reluctant to deal with him.

"Look, Tatsumaki-san, you can't keep letting the genin squads take advantage of your help. They need to learn teamwork and things from these missions- things they won't learn with you doing everything for them. Also, I've been asked to tell you to stop placing summon seals on every animal in the village."

Well, that sounded impractical. "But how'll cha find 'em?"

The man sighed. "The genin are supposed to be learning tracking and capture techniques from those missions."

"Oh." Chusei sighed. "Well, it were fun while it lasted. Damn, now what'll I do?"

"Actually, I think I can help you with that." The man bowed and introduced himself. "Umino Iruka, chunin and academy instructor. I'm licensed to evaluate you if you like, so we'd know what kind of missions to assign you."

"And what makes cha think I'll be stayin here? As soon as Naru-chan's ready, we're headin out to rebuild Uzushiogakure."

Iruka's face darkened. Chusei remembered belatedly that this was the man who'd tried to help and protect Naruto when the rest of the villagers neglected him. "And what makes _you_ think that Naruto will be going anywhere with you? He loves this village."

It wasn't killing intent, but there was an aura around Iruka that was starting to unnerve Chusei. It reminded him of the time he'd tried to steal eggs from a hi-riyo, only with less "you're about to be eaten" and more "no one will ever find the grave, if there's even anything left of you to bury." And was it just him, or was Iruka's head swelling dangerously? Someone should take a look at that, it wasn't normal.

"Well, if he wants to stay, I'll be stayin with him. It's Naru-chan's choice."

There, that was the right thing to say. Iruka deflated and lost his crazy aura. He still wasn't smiling though. "Well Tatsumaki-san, I'd still like to know where you stand."

"Looks like ten feel west o'the mission desk," Chusei replied cheekily. Iruka smacked him on the back of the head.

"I meant skill-wise. Come with me please."

Chusei followed Iruka to an obstacle course set up on an out-of-the-way training field. Then he held up a bell. "Konoha custom: you have an hour to try and get this bell from me. How you do will tell me how skilled you are as a ninja."

"Alright." Chusei started with the same barrage of thrown weapons he'd used to trap Sasuke. Iruka didn't fall for it, and went through a shuriken instead of the kunai. The sealed water whip grasped at nothing. Chusei sighed as his opponent closed.

"Well, it were worth a try." Channeling water chakra to his hands and feet, he engaged Iruka in an enhanced taijutsu match. For several minutes they exchanged punches and kickes, with Iruka becoming gradually more soaked. Then, as Iruka aimed a gyauku tsuki for his face, Chusei saw his chance.

"_Kawarimi no Jutsu_!" Iruka's technique met the bark of a slender birch log. And Chusei was behind him. The Uzushio nin smirked and prepared a technique he'd observed when Kakashi and Gai were sparring.

"Secret finger art: One Thousand Years of Death!"

Iruka looked stunned and conflicted when Chusei made impact. The Uzushio nin was confused; he knew Iruka had detected him fast enough to _Kawarimi_ at the last second. Why hadn't he?

The Konoha chunin groaned. "By the Log, that was a low blow." He tried to stand, but couldn't. "Wait... What did you do?"

"_Fuki no In_, the paralyzation seal. Dead useful, ain't it?"

"But when?"

Chusei laughed. "Uzushio katas follow basic seals rather than normal patterns. I drew it with me feet while we was fightin."

Before Iruka could escape from the seal, Chusei blasted the ground around him with the most powerful jutsus in his arsenal. The he used a minor wind jutsu to steal the bell. The teacher looked suitably impressed.

"Well, you're a little young for it, but if it weren't for your seals, I'd suggest to Hokage-sama that we consider you a chunin. Unfortunately, I have no idea how to examine your fuinjutsu abilities. The only seal master loyal to Konoha isn't available at the moment."

"Meh, that are easy enough." Chusei pulled out a piece of paper and a brush and began to sketch. Iruka looked at him uneasily.

"Is that Log paper?"

"Uh..." Chusei had no idea how to answer that. What was Log paper? Instead of trying to figure out what Iruka meant, he held up a completed seal. "There. _Katou Shin_, the soul catcher's seal. By Uzushio custom, only taught when someone's finished their seal master exam. Pops gave me mine a year ago."

"A fifteen year old seal master?" Iruka looked doubtful. Chusei shrugged.

"So? Pops took his exam with his genin test. Seal mastery were a requirement for makin chunin in Uzushio, gramps said."

Iruka shook his head. "Nowhere else had such a custom. I'll suggest to Hokage-sama that he treat you as a tokubetsu jounin of fuinjutsu then. Although he may ask you to take part in the upcoming chunin exams so that other nations will acknowledge you."

"Why should I care? Only Naru-chan matters."

Iruka smiled. "Yes, Naruto told me about your clans' arrangement. But tell me: isn't it best if the primary bodyguard for the future Hokage is seen as a capable ninja by the rest of the world?"

"I see cher point." Chusei smiled at Iruka and removed his seal from the man. "Thanks, by the way."

"What for?"

"For lookin after Naru-chan when I weren't here."

Iruka chuckled. "It was certainly interesting. I should thank you as well though; since your coming, people Naruto otherwise might never have known were family have been coming out of the woodwork. I'm glad he can rely on more than just me."

Chusei shook his head. "Cher still the most important, even if he don't show it. Without cha, I don't think anythin I said or did woulda made an impression. Cha tamed the great fox Iruka. Ain't many who can say that."

He didn't go into detail about what could've happened. A neglected jinchuuriki could grow dangerous, hateful- feral. If that one man hadn't reached out before the critical moment, Naruto would've attacked Chusei rather than crying and calling him brother. Naruto would never have had a chance. Hell, he might've even come to hate and destroy his own village before anyone knew better. For all his rank and unassuming demeanor, Umino Iruka was a hero. After all, love was a magic greater than any ninjutsu.


	5. Wherein Kakashi Cries

**A/N: So, I've decided that the pattern for updates here will be after the last chapter gets about 150 views. It seems to give me a decent amount of time to work things out in my head.**

Team Seven reported to the mission desk, having been specially called by a messenger. Sasuke glared as he entered the room, only to see Chusei standing in a corner. He'd thought the older boy had decided to avoid him- the Uchiha preferred that the arrangement continue.

"Ah, Hokage-sama, what can we do for you?"

Kakashi was, as ever, reading his book while he addressed the Hokage. Sometimes Sasuke wanted to kick his teacher into showing some respect, but he knew it wouldn't work. Besides, the Hokage seemed to be used to it. Kakashi's behaviour never bothered the old man that Sasuke could see.

The Hokage looked up from the scroll he'd been checking. "Hatake-san, you and your team are only five minutes late. I think that's a new personal best."

"Well, Raidou made it sound important."

Silver brows creased under the great hat. "Maybe- the truth is, I don't know. The mission I want your team to take is a search and retrieval mission, C to B rank. There's an unknown man that's been sighted around Fire Country several times in the past month, usually by genin squads. So far he hasn't caused any harm, but I need someone to determine his identity and intentions. You'll be leading a team to bring him here for interrogation."

Sasuke frowned in sync with his teacher. Kakashi asked what they and Sakura were thinking (Naruto was too busy bouncing happily to have reached the same conclusion). "Hokage-sama, why is the mission C to B rank? And if it's that high, why assign a genin squad? Chunin teams are standard for B rank."

The Hokage sighed. "Civilians who have seen this man report strange powers; in other words, he's a shinobi of unknown rank. Some of the abilities they report unnerve me. Truly, I wish I could send a different squad, but judging from the reports, yours will actually be the best team for the job. You'll be accompanied by our local seal master though; he should be able to help you subdue this man should he prove, to borrow a Nara phrase, troublesome."

Kakashi looked surprised. "Jiraiya's in the village?" The jounin shot a strange look at Naruto out of the corner of his eye. Sasuke growled involuntarily, wondering who this Jiraiya was and what he had to do with Naruto. If the dobe suddenly turned out to have a fiancee who's been selected before birth or something, the Uchiha was going to flip.

"No, Jiraiya is still out of town. However, a few days ago Umino Iruka assessed Tatsumaki Chusei and reported him as both a viable chunin candidate and a seal master."

Only the knowledge that they were in the Hokage's tower kept Sasuke from spitting fireballs. He did _not_ want to go on a mission with that purple-haired freak! Creepy orange eyes couldn't talk properly and was always trying to steal _his_ dobe. Although, Sasuke supposed he'd never claimed Naruto in a way that was obvious to others, so it was partially his fault the foreigner was straying onto his territory. That would have to be rectified. But how? Sasuke wasn't even sure _why_ Naruto was his.

Kakashi nodded, apparently unsurprised that the Uzushio nin was a seal master, despite Chusei being only fifteen. "Understood. So, Hokage-sama, what does this wild man look like?"

Wrinkled hands rose to rub stress from silvered temples. "That's part of the problem I'm afraid. No one's sure. There's no pattern to where he's been sighted, and people never get a clear view of him. According to the reports, he swoops in, rescues people from bandits, then disappears. The only clues are that he wears a grey and red cloak, and that there's a flash of yellow as he fights."

Sasuke saw his sensei pale. Kakashi's voice shook. "You don't think-?"

"No, Hatake-san, he's definitely dead. We both saw the body. But it sounds as if someone may have found out how _it_ works, and that worries me. We need to know if this man can be trusted."

"Of course." Kakashi snapped his book shut, startling his genin. "We'll be going right away then."

L.I.N.E.B.R.E.A.K.

Searching the whole of Fire Country for a man whose appearance was unknown wasn't Sasuke's idea of fun. They'd been wandering the forests and hills for over a week now, without a single sign of their quarry. The only yellow was Naruto's hair and the only flash was orange from Chusei's kekkei genkai. The older boy kept scouting ahead, then teleporting back to Naruto's side. They then had to wait fifteen minutes before he recovered enough to report what he'd seen. Not that he'd seen anything.

The only pattern they had to go on was that the wild man attacked bandits who were after local merchants. Logically, the best thing to do would be to disguise themselves as merchants and act as bait, at least, had they been any other team. But with Naruto and Chusei that was impossible. Team Seven had tried thrice. The two Maki boys refused to pretend helplessness and beat up all three sets of bandits. Sasuke had to admit, it had given him the chance to copy a few good wind and water jutsu. At least before Kakashi told him off for copying allies without their permission.

"Maybe we should try the other way around?" Naruto suggested when Sakura asked if they should try acting as bandit bait again. That caused blank looks of confusion from the entire team. Sasuke swore he could feel the IQ of the area dropping, and the sad part was, he wasn't sure if it was because Naruto's idea was dumb, or because no one understood the idea. Naruto looked equally baffled. Apparently he'd never had to explain himself to anyone before, being typically so straightforward.

"What I mean is, what if we pretend to be bandits preparing an ambush? Maybe he'll attack us, then we can catch him."

Sasuke blinked and turned to Sakura. "Is it just me, or did the dobe say something smart?"

"I- I think he might've, yeah." They both looked to Kakashi, who simply nodded.

So Team Seven changed their search strategy. Dressed in ragged disguises and a minor genjutsu, they wandered the roads of Fire Country pretending to lay traps for merchant caravans. And still the wild man didn't show, although they _did_ manage to capture several small-time bounties.

To stave off boredom and stake his claim on his dobe, Sasuke initiated an immature but immensely satisfying prank war against Chusei. It started very one-sided. Any day that the Uzushio nin spent more time with Naruto than Sasuke did, the Uchiha would strike. He dyed Chusei's hair, hid his shuriken, and used ink to turn his yellow sash black. The only things off-limits were Chusie's seals, as Sasuke didn't want them exploding in his face.

Soon enough though, Chusei caught on and began to retaliate. One morning Sasuke awoke with his clothes dyed hot pink; the next, there was glitter in his hair. When he put itching powder on Chusei's hitai-ate, the Uchiha got his face doodled on. When Chusei's calligraphy ink all turned bright red, Sasuke was subjected to a genjutsu-enhanced dream that used _Icha-Icha Paradise_ as a script. That was nearly traumatizing, so the Uchiha responded with a similar illusion of Chusei and Naruto being unable to find any ramen or takoyaki for all eternity.

He really shouldn't have been surprised when the next day, a seal showed up on his back. It stored a genjutsu inside that caused Sasuke to light up like a rainbow coloured strobe light any time he said "Hn." Which was at least once in every conversation. Chusei refused to remove the seal until Sasuke apologised for the takoyaki genjutsu, which Sasuke wouldn't because of the dream he was trying to repress.

Although, he supposed he should thank Chusei for the idea. Trapping _that man_ in an _Icha-Icha Paradise_ genjutsu might just do him in. It was the kind of thing no Uchiha heart was meant to take.

Naruto eventually managed to convince Chusei to let up on the strobe light seal, claiming it hurt his eyes. Sasuke felt a brief surge of smug pride that his dobe had chosen to side with _him_ over the foreigner. That pride lasted exactly five minutes- long enough for Naruto to beg Chusei to teach him a new jutsu. The Uzushio nin complied, showing the dobe chakra no hikari, the light jutsu he'd used inside the seal. Sasuke growled and looked away, trying to decide how to get his point across, since pranks weren't working. Naruto was his dobe, dammit!

L.I.N.E.B.R.E.A.K.

The decision to prove his dominance in combat failed miserably. Sasuke challenged Chusei every day for the next week, determined that the foreigner's previous victory had been a fluke. It hadn't been. Every time he called for a fight, Sasuke found himself defeated. Worse, Chusei was using him as a teaching opportunity. Every time Sasuke fought him, the Uzushio nin would fight back using a single technique over and over, explaining it to Naruto as the dobe watched. It was humiliating.

Sasuke was in the middle of challenging (read: attacking without warning) Chusei yet again when _it_ appeared. A flash of yellow and a grey cloak knocked him sideways. A confused voice echoed above him.

"Hang on! You're too small to be a bandit." The voice was vaguely familiar; Sasuke felt as if he should know the speaker, though he was sure he didn't.

Behind him, Naruto let out a gasp. "Wild man!" Then the rest of the team reacted.

"Target!"

"Get him!"

"_Minato-sensei_?"

Sakura launched a pair of kunai at the interloper while Naruto threw shuriken from the other side. Sasuke had to deflect the projectiles as suddenly his attacker was simply gone. The man crouched three meters away, back where he'd first tackled Sasuke. A strange, three-pronged knife was clutched in his left hand.

Chusei bounded in with a raiton jutsu in one hand and a seal tag in the other. A large hand caught the Uzushio nin in the chest and tossed him backwards into a tree. Naruto yelled indignantly and summoned a dozen kage bunshin, which were countered with several unknown bunshin of the stranger's own creation. Puffs of smoke and small explosions danced between the trees.

Sakura was knocked on her rear, then trapped in some sort of barrier seal. Sasuke could barely see the speed at which the man drew. Chusei and Naruto attacked again, hoping to catch the stranger off-guard as he wrote the seal. They failed, both slammed into the ground by the man's fists as he suddenly appeared in the air above them.

Kakashi had stood off to the side, uselessly frozen, the whole time.

Realizing he too had done basically nothing, Sasuke drew a kunai and charged the strange man. He caught a glimpse of bright yellow hair before a ball of chakra slammed into his chest, throwing him back and winding him. The recoil blew the stranger's hood off.

He looked familiar. There was an aura about him of both fierceness and laughter that the Uchiha was certain he'd felt before. Spiky golden hair exploded above cat-like eyes that shone bright... green? For some reason, Sasuke thought those eyes had been blue last time he saw them. But that was preposterous. He'd never seen this man before at all.

Yellow flashed. Suddenly the man was behind Kakashi-sensei, three-pronged blade at the jounin's neck. Green eyes frowned with confusion. "Why can I jump to you?" a soft voice asked. "I need the special pictures to jump. And why do I want to hug you so much?"

Sasuke's stomach moved weirdly. This man, so fast, so powerful, wasn't even trained properly. There was no way... If he was a shinobi, he would've called anything that could be classified as weird pictures fuinjutsu.

Kakashi-sensei was trembling. Cautiously, ever so slowly, he removed something from his kunai holster. It was a three-pronged blade with a seal on the handle.

"Minato-sensei, it's me."

The strange man leapt away into a tree. Sasuke got the impression that he was scared, despite how easily he seemed able to take them all out. Yet his glare was tinged with more confusion than anything. Actually, there was so much confusion that it was less a glare and more a kicked puppy face.

"What's a Minato? You're not the first person to call me that."

Blinking back tears (and wasn't _that_ enough to make Sasuke shiver), Kakashi stared up at the man in the tree. "But... that's your name Minato-sensei."

"Noooo..." The man looked at Kakashi as if he was crazy. Which Sasuke had to admit, he was. "My name's SnBnYH-NM."

Kakashi was starting to look desperate. "You're Namikaze Minato, a ninja of Konohagakure."

"Never heard of it. " The man paused. "Although, it sounds nice. I think I want to go there, for the same reason I want to hug you. Why do I want to hug you?"

That was enough to break Kakashi. The jounin curled into a ball, muttering about green eyes and ghosts. Sakura immediately stepped into the line of fire.

"Excuse me, uh, SnBnYH-NM-san, why do you look almost exactly like out Yondaime Hokage?"

"No idea. Although, you're not the first to ask that either." Piercing green eyes swept over the young shinobi. The wild man's gaze lit on Naruto. "That one too; I want to hug him. Why do I want to hug you people?"

"Maybe _because_ you look like the Yondaime?" Sasuke snorted. "The ones you want to hug are his sons." And wasn't that irritating, knowing your dobe was practically a prince, yet somehow had never managed to claim the title?

Chusei chose that moment to get his wind back. "What in bloody Hells do SnBnYH-NM even stand for, eh? That ain't no proper name."

The blond man flushed dark red. "Well, I suppose you're right. But my creator said failed experiments like me don't get names, so it's the best I have. It's my designation: Senjutsu no Bunshin no Yondaime Hokage- Namikaze Minato."

Team Seven's collective jaw dropped. "You're a clone!?"

"Hehehe..." The man rubbed the back of his head with one hand in a familiar gesture. "Yeah. Like I said, failed experiment. My creator didn't want me anymore, so I escaped before he could dispose of me." He looked around sheepishly. "I take it you guys know my original?"

"Your original's been dead twelve years," Sasuke stated bluntly. "How the Hell haven't you dispelled?"

"I wasn't made by my original, and I'm not a normal clone. Grey Snake Man made me out of DNA, nature chakra, and something he called a spare Zetsu; I don't know how long I'll last."

Naruto, it seemed, was starting to have some sort of fit. The dobe flared and disrupted his chakra over and over, his mumbling growing ever louder until he was screaming. "Kai! Kai! Kai!"

Sasuke stared at Naruto in confusion. What was the dobe doing? There were no genjutsu being cast within several kilometers, let alone on their party. Had he finally lost his last brain cell when the weird clone man punched him?

"Whoa, calm down kiddo!" The blond man leapt down and wrapped Naruto in a hug. Orange struggled violently against grey.

"No! Let me go! You can't be real!" Everyone except Kakashi sweatdropped.

"Hey, I'm at least as real as your kage bunshin. What's the matter?"

"You- you're my- But you can't be! He died sealing- uh, killing- Why? Your own son!"

"Full sentences little guy. Calm down, I've got you." Sasuke, personally, thought the fact that the blond man had Naruto was part of the problem.

"_You're a clone of my father who died when I was born stopping the Kyuubi and I don't know whether I want to kill you or cuddle under your cloak and never let you go!_"

"I said full sentences, not run-on." Amusement glinted in the catlike green eyes. "Although, that does explain why I want to hug you."

Sasuke felt that it was time to try and re-assert the authority of the mission. "Look, SnBn- whatever you called yourself, Hokage-sama has ordered us to bring you back to Konoha. You can come the easy way or the hard way."

Smiling, the blond man removed the seal he'd placed around Sakura. "Well then, I guess we'd better get going. I'll carry the crying cyclops, yes? He doesn't look like he'll be walking any time soon."

The young Uchiha had to agree. His sensei was in a profound state of shock. Sasuke supposed it was only natural, upon seeing someone who'd been supposedly dead suddenly alive in front of you, only to find they weren't who you thought they were at all. He could only imagine what he'd do if it happened with any members of _his_ family.

L.I.N.E.B.R.E.A.K.

"-Although I didn't know why it felt so important to come to Fire Country," the blond man concluded. He and Team Seven (minus Kakashi and plus Chusei) stood before the Hokage in his office. Kakashi-sensei was in the hospital being treated for shock.

The clone had just finished explaining his escape from the underground lab of someone he called Grey Snake Man, whom the Hokage seemed to know. Any doubt about the stranger sharing DNA with Naruto was obliterated by the story. The escape had sounded as bizarre as some of Naruto's pranks.

Hands folded together thoughtfully, the Hokage leaned on his elbows. Something strangely sadistic and pleased glinted in his eyes. "I see. So, despite being able to perform all his techniques, you have none of your original's memories?"

"No sir! Although, I do enjoy hugging his son. My son?" The clone wrapped one arm around Naruto, looking confused.

A smile danced across the Hokage's face. "Well, your original was our previous Hokage, and since he hadn't retired before his death, the position technically belongs to you. You are him after all, memories or no. Stranger things have happened."

The clone looked at the Hokage's desk and paled. "Um... No thank you." His eyes danced around in a panic, as Naruto's did when he had to lie unprepared. "I- uh, I have some allergies that my original didn't. Yeah! That's part of why Grey Snake Man called me a failure! I'm allergic to paperwork, boredom, and pointy hats."

"Very well..." The Hokage sighed. "Clearly you lack the maturity your original had, though you look the age he would be now rather than the age he was at death. I release you from your duties as Hokage, Namikaze-san."

"Yes!"

"There's just one more thing. If you intend to stay in Konoha, you'll need a proper name for your shinobi ID. Do you wish to use your original's or-?"

The question hung in the air as the clone shook his head. "No. I'm not him, no matter what you think. Different eyes, different lives." He smiled. "You can call me Kai, I guess. Naruto certainly did at first."

"Very well Kai. I take it you'll be living with your son, his bond partner, and their cousins?"

"Of course! Gotta make up for lost daddy time, even if I don't know how!" Kai ruffled Naruto's hair, grinning maniacally. Both blonds started to laugh.

Sasuke looked at the Hokage dubiously. "Hokage-sama, is this how the real Yondaime used to act?"

"Yes and no. Only time will tell if they're truly alike."

"What about the villagers?" Sakura wanted to know. "What will everyone do? They'll think he's come back from the dead."

"I don't know," the Hokage sighed. "We'll just have to wait and see. I don't think any of them will try to harm him though, so you needn't fear."

"Hn." Uchihas did not fear. Uchihas seethed as yet more people appeared to steal their dobe's attention. And why was Naruto suddenly getting a family anyways? He's always done fine with just Sasuke. Why weren't any hidden Uchihas popping out to help their nephew/cousin/clone-child/anything avenge the clan and protect his shiny, shiny dobe?

Sasuke didn't notice he was growling. As it had become a rather common occurrence since Chusei's arrival, no one else paid it any mind.


	6. A Day in the Life

Lee woke two hours before dawn, alertness coming to him in an instant. Someone was moving downstairs. The taijutsu enthusiast did a quick mental inventory of the house's inhabitants.

_Me? Right here._

_Gai-sensei?_ Familiar footsteps raced down the hall to the bathroom._ No, he's not ready to be in the kitchen yet._

_Naruto? No, he won't be up until I wake him._

_Cousin Chusei? No way in all the Hells. If he's in the kitchen at this time of day, something's seriously wrong._

Having determined that there was an intruder in their house, Lee ran down the stairs to investigate. A leaping kick carried him into the kitchen. "DYNAMIC ENTRY!"

The man he'd been aiming for tossed a strange kunai into one of their many randomly placed practice targets. A yellow flash carried him out of the way of Lee's strike. The miniature green beast landed and spun to face the intruder, righteous youth filling his heart. No robber would get the best of him!

Blond hair and a sheepish smile met Lee's gaze. The young ninja relaxed. "MY APOLOGIES KAI-SAN! I FORGOT YOU LIVE HERE NOW!"

"Hehehe, it's fine." Kai rubbed the back of his head with one hand. "So, since you're the first one up, what would you like for breakfast?"

"CURRY!" It had been some time since anyone had offered to cook for Lee. When it was just him and Gai-sensei, they mostly did their own thing, and that hadn't changed much. Chusei sometimes cooked for everyone without being asked, but never in the mornings. And even when he did, it was always takoyaki and ramen.

"AND MIGHT I SAY KAI-SAN, THAT APRON LOOKS MOST YOUTHFUL ON YOU! WHERE DID YOU FIND IT?"

Kai looked at the frilly pink thing he was wearing over a green jumpsuit. "Someone had shoved it into the back of the linen closet. Seemed a shame not to use it."

"LINEN CLOSET? SUCH A YOUTHFUL PLACE! WHAT IS IT?" Lee could hardly contain his excitement. Kai sweatdropped.

"Um, the closet where you keep sheets, towels and stuff. And old training weights, extra bandages, and spare stuffed animals apparently."

Realization hit Lee like a kick to the face. "OH! YOU MEAN THE WONDER CUPBOARD OF HIDING!"

"Yeah, that... Hey Lee, why don't you go wake up Naruto and Chusei? Tell them we're having my special breakfast curry."

Yelling his excitement, Lee ran back upstairs and charged into Naruto's room. A flying leap carried him into the center of the bed, where he landed squarely on the blond's stomach.

"YOSH! NARUTO, TIME TO GET UP!"

A breathless whirl of movement sent Lee tumbling off the bed. Naruto appeared as the sheets settled. The little blond rubbed sleep out of his eyes, looking otherwise quite perky and youthful.

"Morning Lee. What's up?"

"KAI-SAN IS MAKING HIS MOST EXCELLENT BREAKFAST CURRY! COME! WE MUST WAKE COUSIN CHUSEI!"

Naruto paled. "Um... Couldn't you do that while I'm getting dressed?"

"BUT NARUTO! I CANNOT DO IT ALONE! THIS MISSION REQUIRES THE MOST SPLENDID OF TEAMWORK TO SURVIVE!"

"I guess you're right." Naruto dressed quickly and followed Lee to Chusei's room. The two opened the door as slowly as they could. It creaked slightly and they winced, but the lump among the pillows didn't stir. Someday they would come up with a proper strategy for this mission and be hailed as heroes by all of Konoha. Sadly, that day was not today.

"Oi! Chu-niisan! Up and at 'em!" This time Naruto sent in a clone for the first assault. The hapless thing dispelled in a puff of smoke as it was hit by a thrown pillow. No curses followed the attack; Chusei was not yet awake.

Next was Lee's turn. The taijutsu enthusiast decided to try one of the special Rock clan abilities he'd been learning from Uzushio scrolls. Slowly, and with a great amount of willpower, he extended his eyebrows out to poke the blanketed bundle. That elicited a growl that made Lee's eyebrows shrink in fear.

"Maybe I should try and let Kyuubi do it?" Naruto asked nervously. Lee shook his head and forced himself to whisper.

"No, you'll traumatize the poor fox. Not to mention the trouble you'd get in for giving it any freedom."

Naruto sighed. "Alright, guess there's nothing for it." He held out his hand, calling for the familiar morning challenge to see who would take the fall. Lee nodded.

_Rock_

_Paper_

_Scissors_

_Lizard_

_Spock_

"Hah! I win!" Naruto whisper-shouted, waving his scissors above Lee's paper. Lee sighed, but he supposed it was only fair. Naruto had been the one to wake Chusei for the past three days.

Gathering his youth, Lee dove onto Chusei's bed in a flying tackle. The older boy was knocked to the floor, a stream of curses spewing from his mouth. Lee braced himself as the revenge seal activated.

It had been one of the first things Chusei had made upon moving in: a blanket with a massive seal embroidered onto it. Lee and Naruto had found out what it did the hard way.

_Crash! _Wood shattered around Lee as he was thrown through the ceiling. He was used to it by now, so it didn't hurt too badly. It was mostly embarrassing, because he knew exactly where he would land. Chusei's seals were frighteningly consistent. They really needed to install some sort of door in his ceiling so they didn't keep having to repair the roof. Probably should do the same at the landing site too.

Tucked into a ball, Lee smashed through a roof and rolled across a familiar hardwood floor. Bleary eyes stared at him from the bed he'd landed next to. The occupant groaned.

"By the Log! Can't you two ever wait til a decent hour to wake him? It's not even light out!"

Lee jumped up and bowed. "MY APOLOGIES, IRUKA-SENSEI! WE WERE SIMPLY EXCITED THAT KAI-SAN IS MAKING BREAKFAST CURRY!"

Iruka chuckled. "You and Naruto are always excited about something. Now go. Unlike you, some of us sleep until dawn." The chunin was asleep by the time Lee had climbed out the hole in his ceiling.

Racing back home took mere moments. Lee slid into the kitchen just as the others were sitting down to eat. Chusei glared at him sullenly. "Pick some other way to wake me why don't cha?"

"WE TRY!" Lee informed him cheerfully. "SO FAR, NONE HAVE WORKED!"

After breakfast the five ninja cleaned up, then went out to train. Lee laughed and waved at the guards along the walls as he and his family raced past. It was fun to run in a group.

Gai-sensei took the lead, shouting encouragement to everyone. Next was, surprisingly, Kai, laughing his head off and flying across the ground. Lee was right on the newcomer's heels, though he had to admit, he was a wild horse to Kai's bird. Naruto and Chusei brought up the rear side by side. They were lapped continually by the other three. Lee couldn't wait to see their faces when they started running with weights like he did.

Once their workout was done, they occupied a training ground. Lee thought he liked that part best. Having someone to spar with in the mornings, just as the sun peaked over the horizon... It was beautiful. Totally worth getting thrown to Iruka-sensei's house via seals every morning. And Naruto and Chusei were _willing_, unlike Neji. Naruto was especially fun, as he would get up and keep going no matter how many times the other two knocked him down. A genius of hard work, just like Lee; the green ninja was so proud.

When Chusei pulled Naruto aside to work on ninjutsu, Lee pulled out his Rock clan scroll. That roll of heavy paper made him so happy, knowing there was something special for him. It wasn't ninjutsu- and actually, some of it was just plain weird, but it was enough. He could still be a splendid ninja relying mainly on taijutsu; that had already been his dream, after all.

But what Lee loved best about the scroll was reading something that had been written by one of his ancestors. The author, a Pie Pinkie, had married into the Rock clan and made a study of her husband's strange techniques. It was apparently the only Rock family scroll ever written. Pinkie had humorous insights on some of the techniques too. Lee didn't pay attention to those at the moment. Having finally gotten the hang of Mayuge no Seicho, he decided it was time to learn Fukigarasu no Kokoro.

Lee had finally managed to manifest one of the little floating hearts the scroll described when Kakashi-sensei showed up. He frowned. The cyclops's presence was unusual. Normally Kakashi-sensei was late to meet his team, and he _never_ sought Naruto out when the blond was with his house mates. Gai-sensei noticed this too.

"KAKASHI! WHAT BRINGS YOU HERE? COME TO CHALLENGE YOUR ETERNAL RIVAL?"

The silver-haired ninja muttered something non-committal. His eye was fixed on Kai. Lee was puzzled by that. Sure, Kai-san was a stranger, but Naruto and Hokage-sama had vouched for him, so he couldn't be dangerous. Besides, that wasn't suspicion in Kakashi-sensei's eye... It was more a mix of fear, sadness, and confusion. Kai, meanwhile, was vibrating excitedly like the over-sized Naruto clone he was. Then...

"LET ME HUG YOU!" Even Lee was stunned by Kai's shout. The blond flashed over to Kakashi-sensei, appearing with his arms wrapped around the jounin. Kakashi-sensei looked like he was about to faint. When he spoke, his voice was strained.

"Mina- Um, Kai-san, does this mean you're joining the shinobi corps?"

"Dunno." Kai's voice was muffled as he buried his face in Kakashi-sensei's hair. "I like the training, but... I just wanna be a dad for a while, you know? They need it." A vague wave of his hand encompassed Naruto, Lee, and even Chusei. Kakashi-sensei nodded mutely and began struggling to get free. As Kai seemed to be a species of giant blond limpet, it wasn't going well. Lee grinned and attached a note to his floating heart, directing it to deliver the message to that lovely girl on Naruto's team.

_Dearest, most YOUTHFUL Sakura,_

_Your eyes shine like tiny emeralds in the morning! Please do not turn them on me in anger, for much as I regret it, I must be the bearer of bad news. I believe your team training to be cancelled today, as your sensei has been clasped in the tentacles of a powerful, but harmless, creature with no hope for escape. Please convey this regretful news to Sasuke as well. Although, you are most welcome to come train with me instead!_

_Your faithful servant, Lee_

.L.I.N.E.B.R.E.A.K.

Team Nine arrived shortly after dawn to begin their training. Lee sparred with Tenten for a time while Neji worked on some spinning Hyuuga thing. Naruto and Chusei were still there, practicing jutsu in a corner, and Kakashi-sensei was still being glomped by Kai. All of a sudden, a dust cloud appeared on the road.

Lee grabbed Tenten and leapt out of the way as Sasuke tore into the training grounds, barreling into Chusei. Or rather, into where Chusei just was. A rather heavy log was there to take Sasuke's blows instead.

That set off the most peculiat chain of events that Lee had ever seen, and that was saying something. As Sasuke attempted to goad Chusei into a fight, Neji caught sight of him and challenged the Uchiha. Meanwhile, Chusei was starting one of his "learning on the job" spars with Naruto- who was mad at Sasuke for butting in. The result went something like this:

"Fuuton: Gufuudan no Jutsu!"

"Kage Bunshin no Jutsu!"

"Katon: Gyoukaku no Jutsu!"

"Hakke Rokujuuyon Shou!"

There was a tremendous burst of hot wind. All combatants, including about three dozen of Naruto, were flung outwards in a circle. Many Naruto clones disappeared as they struck trees. The four ninja picked them selves up and simultaneously started glaring and growling at each other. Right at that moment, Sakura arrived and offered Lee and Tenten some popcorn.

"What do you think you're doing Teme? Attacking Chu-niisan without warning like that!"

"Naruto, pay attention! I thought cha wanted to learn more wind jutsu!"

"I challenge you to an inter-clan duel, Sasuke Uchiha!"

"Hn."

"Are they always like this? Tenten asked Sakura. The pink-haired girl nodded.

"Sasuke-kun hates Chusei-kun for some reason. He's been attacking him since partway through our last mission. It doesn't help that Chusei-kun is always humiliating him. He uses Sasuke-kun as a demonstration dummy."

And so he was. Lee watched in amusement as Sasuke was chased around by the other three. He only tore his eyes away when Sakura tapped on his shoulder. Having managed to catch his attention, she gestured to Kakashi-sensei and Kai.

"How long have those two been like that?"

"OVER AN HOUR, SAKURA-CHAN! IS IT NOT MOST YOUTHFUL? KAI-SAN IS SUCH A GOOD FATHER!"

Sakura nodded. "He must have something of the Yondaime's memories in him, if he's that affectionate to Kakashi-sensei. I know he says he doesn't understand himself, but..."

They sat in silence for a few minutes, watching the destruction their teammates wreaked. Lee, unused to being lumped among the 'sane' team members, soon began to get antsy. He eventually couldn't hold back any longer and rushed to join the fray. He slammed his foot gleefully into someone's chest- he wasn't sure whose- and was immediately blasted sideways by a wind jutsu. A Naruto clone caught him and threw him at Sasuke, who received a punch in the jaw at the same moment as Neji thrust his palm into Lee's back.

"ENOUGH!"

That voice made Lee freeze mid-technique. The others all stopped too. As one, the boys turned to look at Iruka-sensei, who was approaching them from the direction of the Academy. The teacher's head was swelling dangerously. Lee felt a cold rush of fear down his spine.

"You five are so loud I can hear you from my classroom! Classes are about to start! Pipe down!"

"Yes Iruka-sensei." Five meek voices echoed as one. The teacher nodded and left. Naruto looked at Lee.

"You know what would be awesome? If the old man needs a replacement before I'm ready to be Hokage, he should totally pick Iruka-sensei."

"YOSH! THAT'S A SPLENDID IDEA NARUTO!"

Iruka-sensei's voice echoed back across the field. "Lee!"

The green ninja froze and hunkered to the ground in fear.

Oblivious to his sons' plight, or perhaps agreeing with Iruka-sensei, Kai rocked back and forth with Kakashi-sensei still clutched to his chest. The blond man hummed a silly little song under his breath. Judging by the colours Kakashi-sensei's face was turning, it was driving the jounin insane.

Still not releasing his captive, Kai grinned at all the young ninjas. "Why don't you all come over for dinner tonight? I'm making okonokiyaki. It'll be nice to have some of the boys' little friends over to play."

"No way in Hell!" the boys all shouted simultaneously. Seconds later, a barrage of blunted practice kunai rained down on them, pinning them all to the ground. It had come from the direction of the Academy.

**A/N: All of Lee's "Rock clan techniques" are going to be based on things he does in ****_Rock Lee no Seishun_****. *evil grin* I told you this was a bit of a crack fic.**

**Also, is it too confusing, me switching point of view every chapter? I hope not. It's fun to write all their different perspectives on what's going on.**

**I love epic!Iruka. Can you tell?**


	7. How to Tame a Jinchuuriki

Sasuke had taken to spying on Chusei, trying to find the older boy's weakness. He needed to know, _needed_ to prove to his dobe that only Uchihas were capable of looking after precious blond foxes. So far, nothing presented itself. Chusei's fuinjutsu knowledge made up for any flaws Sasuke found in the elder's ninjutsu or taijutsu. He knew the foreigner was just as hopeless with genjutsu as Naruto was, but Sasuke had the nightmares to remind him that there were seals for that too.

Which brings us to why Sasuke, rather than spending his weekend training, was hopping around through trees and bushes, watching Chusei and Naruto play childish games with Lee Konohamaru. And then watching the four of them get chased by Sakura because Naruto and Konohamaru had no brain-to-mouth filters.

When the Hokage's grandson ran into a pair of genin from Sunagakure, Sasuke started to wonder if he should become involved. Before he could act though, he caught his first glimpse of the old Uzushio clan teamwork Chusei always bragged about.

"DYNAMIC ENTRY!" Lee's foot crashed into the puppet-wielder's face, forcing the Suna nin to drop Konohamaru. Instead of hitting the ground however, the honourable grandson disappeared in a puff of smoke, kawarimied with a Naruto clone. Konohamaru himself appeared safely behind the dobe. When the Suna nin began to shout a protest Chusei's fist, accompanied by a seal Sasuke hadn't seen before, met his face.

The Uzushio nin turned to the female of the Suna pair. "Cha best explain what cha're doin in our village. _Now_."

"We're here for the upcoming chunin exams." The girl looked at her partner, who was desperately trying to speak. No words were coming out though. "Could you please undo whatever you did to my brother? Idiot he may be, I need him for the exam."

Grumbling, Chusei removed the seal. Sasuke filed the design in his mind as 'silence: worthless against me, but will stop Naruto dead.' Then a dark presence filled the air around him. Peeking to the other side of his tree, Sasuke saw a grumpy looking boy with red hair. He marveled that he hadn't noticed the newcomer sooner; that malicious aura was far from subtle.

The redhead hopped down to the other Suna nin. "Kankuro, were you causing trouble?" His voice grated like a sandstorm. The puppet-wielder trembled.

"N-no Gaara. Just meeting people's all."

"Good." Gaara glared up at Sasuke's tree. "You should come down. I don't like spies."

Sasuke jumped down. Something about this guy's aura said it was a seriously bad idea to pis him off. He felt too dark. This Gaara was strong too; Sasuke wondered if he would be a good gauge of his strength. If he could beet Gaara, could he beat _him_?

"YOU SHOULDN'T THREATEN KONOHAMARU!" Lee shouted at Kankuro. "IT'S NOT YOUTHFUL TO PICK ON CHILDREN!"

That earned the puppet-wielder another glare from the redhead. Sasuke immediately began to wonder what would happen if Gaara and Chusei had a staring contest. The manifestation of malice against the king of creepy eyes; it could be interesting. Or mentally scarring.

Almost as if Sasuke's thoughts were some sort of cue, Chusei dashed forwards and grabbed the redhead. Instead of staring though, the Uzushio nin forced Gaara's shirt up and began examining a seal on his stomach, dodging darts of sand the whole time.

"Shoddy!" Chusei proclaimed moments later, releasing his captive. The Suna nin glowered stormily at him and sent out more sand darts, all of which were evaded. "Whoever as made cher seal knew crap about fuinjutsu! Honest, a two-node seal for a bijuu? Even one as weak as the Ichibi? Craptastic idea mate!"

Gaara's glare deepened. The air started feeling heavy, just like it did the night _he_ killed them all. Sasuke forced himself to stay calm. He was only partially successful. His hands shook and he fought hard not to fall to his knees. The killing intent was choking. Oddly enough, the only person who seemed unaffected was Naruto.

"Mother informs me that you're an idiot," Gaara ground out. "Mother wishes for your blood for having touched us."

A wave of sand poured out of the gourd on the Suna nin's back, aiming at Chusei. It wrapped around a log that exploded under the crushing force. Chusei was suddenly right in Gaara's face again, painting over the seal on the redhead's belly. Fragments of muttering were audible as he worked.

"Idiots... Bijuu seals need at least four nodes... Should be a focus spiral core... Ripple plugs more effective for this than cross... An element plug? This guy have a death wish?"

By the time Gaara rerouted the sand and attacked again, Chusei was done. The Uzushio nin leapt back right before he could be crushed. "There, that'll be loads better. Cha should be able to control him now."

Wide green eyes stared at Chusei in panic. "What did you do? I can't hear Mother! Why can't I hear Mother?"

"Sorry to break it to cha sport, but the Ichibi ain't cher mum. I'm guessin she's dead. Happens alot to Jinchuuriki."

"Wait... He's... like me?" Sasuke turned to Naruto in shock as the blond asked the question. _What do you mean dobe?_ The Uchiha couldn't imagine anyone with less in common with his sunny blond.

"Hai. Unlike chers though, his seal were crap. I've fixed it, but it'll take a lot of adjustin."

Gaara snarled and ran to attack the Konoha group. Unlike before though, his movements were sluggish. The dark aura had been muffled, the sand was slow and shaky, and the boy himself... He was stumbling as if drunk. The other Suna nin simply stared in confusion. They (and Sasuke) nearly passed out when Naruto caught one of Gaara's dazed punches and drew the redhead into a hug.

"What?" Gaara froze. Naruto, an oddly tender look on his face, began running his fingers through the taller boy's hair. Sasuke was instantly jealous.

"It's okay." Sasuke was pretty sure no one was supposed to hear what Naruto was saying, but the dobe had never quite gotten the hang of whispering, so everyone did. "You're not alone anymore, see? I've got one too. Everyone hated me for it, but I've got a family now. As long as they love me, no one else matters, 'ttebayo."

"I..." Gaara's voice was shaking. He sounded as if he were about to explode. "I don't have a family. I'm the only one who loves me; I live only for myself." Tears trickled from the green eyes. "How...? The purple one silenced Mother, except I can still feel Mother's fear. How are you scaring Mother without being a monster?"

"Maybe I'm not." Naruto was crying too, which was _wrong_. Sasuke couldn't stand seeing the dobe cry, wanted to destroy whatever had upset _his_ blond. "Everyone always said I was a monster. But that doesn't mean you have to be mean to everybody 'ttebayo. You'd have a family too, if you would just let someone in. There must be someone who loves you."

Gaara shook his head. "I've done too much. Even my brother and sister know I'm a monster." He gestured weakly at the other Suna nin present. Naruto just hugged him tighter.

"Then I'll be your family. After all, brother monsters should stick together."

That was apparently too much for Chusei. The Uzushio nin wrapped his arms around both genin, squeezing tightly. "Aw, Naru-chan, neither of cha're monsters. Why don't we bring Gaa-chan with us? Show him what family's like for a while."

The three separated, earning odd and fearful looks from the Suna genin Gaara claimed were his siblings. The girl spoke.

"Wait. If Gaara's got the raccoon, which one do you have?"

Naruto grinned mischievously, a reckless smile that made Sasuke want to both punch and hug him. "The fox." Seconds later, a blue gloved hand slammed into the dobe's head.

"Naru-chan no baka! Cha ain't supposed to tell people!"

"Hehehe... Oops."

Sasuke frowned. He'd never heard of Naruto having a fox before. And why would a pet fox be secret? It would be a much better ninja animal than Kiba's dumb dog. What on earth would Naruto's fox have to do with this Gaara guy's pet raccoon anyway? And what was that seal Chusei had been playing with?

Kankuro finally found his voice. "Um, aren't we supposed to go sign into our hotel?"

"You two go ahead without me." Gaara's tone brooked no argument. His siblings looked both scared and relieved.

"What? Where are you going?"

"I'm going to try this family thing with fox-boy and the purple one. I'll see you tonight."

The other two Suna nin shrugged helplessly and left. They'd barely been gone for a few seconds when the street was filled with a yellow flash and a comic shout.

"Naruto! Lee! Chusei! You forgot your lunch!"

Kai appeared out of the light, holding three bento boxes. Sasuke felt a brief surge of jealousy. It had been years since the last time his mother had... No, it was best not to think about it. But it was hard, and unfair. Naruto didn't even know what to do with a parental figure and treated Kai the same as Iruka. Sasuke would've given anything for his mother- or even her weird clone- to be brought back to Konoha.

Gaara's reaction to Kai was worse. At least Sasuke didn't _show_ his resentment. The redhead snarled at this new presence, throwing sand darts at Kai and lunging towards the man. A flash of light took the clone safely out of the way. Despite the attack, Kai never lost his soft, somewhat frazzled smile.

"Oh! Naruto, is this a new friend? Will he be coming for dinner?"

"I dunno yet." Naruto grabbed Gaara's hand. "It's alright Gaara, it's just Kai. He's weird, but he's like my dad or something. Closest thing I've had, 'ttebayo."

Sasuke snorted at Naruto calling anyone else weird. A twelve year old who could make hundreds of shadow clones and lived with the green spandex duo- Naruto was the definition of weird.

"Dad?" Gaara looked confused. Naruto nodded.

"Yeah. It's an affectionate word for father, 'ttebayo."

Behind Sasuke, Sakura clapped. "Oh yay Naruto, four syllables. New record." Sasuke would've told her not to be mean to his dobe, but he could detect affection under the sarcasm, so he let it be. Sakura had been getting much better that way. Still not much use in a fight though.

"What is this affection of which you speak?"

The demonstration Gaara got a moment later probably scarred him for life. Kai, eyes full of tears, passed the bentos he was carrying to Lee and launched himself at Gaara with the force of a hurricane. Strong arms clad in one of Gai-sensei's green jumpsuits wrapped around the redhead and squeezed. Kai nuzzled his face into Gaara's hair.

"You poor baby! Not knowing what affection is... Were your parents rocks?"

Wide-eyed and panicking, Gaara struggled to get free. It was of no use; as Kakashi-sensei had long since discovered, one did not simply get free of a Namikaze Kai hug. Sasuke was beginning to think there was ninjutsu involved. The blond limpet continued to rant as he snuggled.

"What's with all these neglected and abandoned children? Oh well, I know just what to do! I'll adopt him!"

"YOSH! A SPLENDID IDEA KAI-SAN!" Lee began to jump up and down with excitement. Sakura marched over and smacked the clone on the head. It wasn't enough to make him release Gaara, but she did manage to get his attention.

"Baka! You can't adopt him! He's from a different village!"

Kai pouted. "But Sakura-chan! He needs me! I bet his father never hugged him at all! And he'll have so many brothers to play with, especially once the paperwork goes through!"

Sasuke got a bad feeling about that. "Paperwork? What do you mean? Last I checked, three wasn't many."

"I asked Sandaime-sama to let me adopt a few more orphan ninjas." Kai beamed adorably. It was almost impossible to see how this man could be the clone of the famed and feared Yondaime Hokage. "I like having sons."

"Hn. Who're you trying to adopt?"

"Well, I think it was Umino Iruka, Hyuuga Neji, and Sarutobi Konohamaru... Oh! And you too Sasuke."

Sakura hit the clone again. "Baka! Iruka-sensei's an adult, and Neji and Konohamaru have clans!"

Sasuke noticed she hadn't mentioned him, so he had to add his own two cents. "Hn. As if I'd want to live with your house of weirdos. I'm fine on my own." No, he wasn't, but he wasn't about to admit it. Besides, for some reason he felt is was a bad idea to be labelled as his dobe's brother. It might prevent... something he was uncomfortable thinking about at the moment.

Kai pouted. Lee, Naruto, and Chusei immediately hugged the man and started trying to comfort him. Of course, Kai was still wrapped around Gaara, who was crushed under the weight of the combined glomp. The redhead's muffled voice came from somewhere beneath an orange jumpsuit.

"Is this the family thing of which fox-boy spoke? It's very sweaty and uncomfortable... But there's something else too. I think I like it."

**A/N: Hehehe... Kai had a bit of a Batman moment. Adopt ALL the orphans! And some people who aren't orphans, but who Kai thinks need more hugs. And I'm sorry if Gaara's out of character and that offends someone. I'm just really bad at writing him, especially when trying to make him react to some very touchy-feely characters.**


End file.
